Option B by sheryl sandberg

Option B

by sheryl sandberg, Adam grant

 

I can't say or know how it will be difficult and

sad to lose our spouses or loved ones.

Because i had never experienced it in my life.

while i am reading this book, i could feel and

understand their pain and sorrow.

if i were her situation , i also would be same.

As the story progressed, i was worried about the

children who lost their father too.

people usually do not realize what we have until we lose it.

most of the time we just take it granted.

so we need to live everyday life as if today is our last day.

we never know what will happen tomorrow.

even though , it is too heartbroken and 

the remaining family members can't accept that,

they need to survive.

with that reason, in that case we need a option b.

option a is not available anymore.

that's the life.

I think sheryl sandberg was not easy to share her

very private feeling and sorrow.

I appreciate her effort and commitment

to be a good mother and person.

 

these days, we are in the  all difficult situations

because of the coronavirus outbreak.

all the indiviuals and companies don't know

when it will be finished completely.

how much probrem  it will cause we never know.

we didn't prepare this uncertain time.

so as this author mentioned, the community should

hold hands together to overcome

this crisis. Because community is more stronger than

the individuals.

For this uncontact time, we need a option b.

 

sheryl sandberg, the author who is the chief operating

officer of facebook met dave goldberg in 1996.

after failed marriage , it led her to los angeles

and a mutual friend invited them to dinner and a movie.

She fell asleep on dave's shoulder for the first time. 

He thought she likes him.

six and a half years after that movie,

they planned a trip together.

and a year after they married.

eleven years after their wedding, they went to mexico

to join their friend's birthday.

she found dave on the floor in the gym and brought

him to the hospital ,doctor said ." I'm sorry for your loss."

He died with artery probrem.

and so began the rest of her life she was completely

unprepared for.

it was the hardest moment to tell her childeren

that their father had died.

grief is a demanding companion.

 

two years earlier, dave had read adam's book give

and take and invited him

to speak at surveymonkey, where dave was ceo.

so they began writing together this book.

we all encounter hardships.

this book is her and adam's attempt to share what

we've learned about resilience.

life is never perfect. We all live some form of option b.

 

1. Breathing again

chilldren and adults recover more quickly when they

realize that hardships aren't entirely their fault,

don't affect every aspect of their lives and 

won't follow them everywhere forever.

and it helped insurance salespeople; when they didn't

take rejections personally

and remembered that they could approach new prospects

tomorrow, they sold more.

 

All life involves suffering. Aging, sickness, and loss are inevitable.

 

dave and her had a family ritual at dinner.

they take turns stating their best and worst moments of the day.

each share something for which they are grateful.

they also prayed before their meal.

 

when life pulls you under, break the surface, and breathe again.

 

2. Kicking the elephant out of the room

friend who never , ever, ever asks you anything

about your life,these friends are self-absorbed.

Sometimes they're just uncomfortable having 

intimate conversations.

people continually avoided the subject.

silence can increse suffering.

but opners ask a lot of questions and listen to

the answers without judging.

 

they were doing exactly what i had done

when i was on the other side.

The only people who really understood were the people

who had been through those experiences.

Adam said if i wanted others to be more open with me,

i needed to be more open with them.

cancer is another forbidden or "whisper" topic.

the most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge.

"i achnowledge your pain. I am here with you"

 

3. The platinum rule of friendship

empathy, which motivates us to help, and distress,

which motivates us to avoid.

we often said " she must be so busy.

I do not want to bother her."

we feel there's nothing we can say or do to make things better.

The golden rule: treat others as you want to be treated.

The platinum rule: treat others as they want to be treated.

 

in the face of loss, we are supposed to start in denial

and move to anger,

And depression. After we pass through these stages,

we could accept the reality.

she struggled with anger.

she needs a friends who let her know that even if

she was difficult to be around

, they would not abandon her.

 

4. Self-compassion and self-confidence

everyone makes mistakes.

some are samll but can have serious consequences.

people become motivated to repair the wrongs of

their past and make better choices in the future.

shame has the opposite effect: it makes people feel

small and worthless.

leading them to attack in anger or shirink away in self -pity.

 

"journaling is not exactly meditating."

"but it helped her quiet herself and reflect.

she was able to put words to her feelings and unpack them."

 

writing can be a powerful tool for learning self-compassion.

self-confidence is critical to happiness and success.

journaling became a key part  of her recovery.

 

"how empty the world seemed without him in it.

And then i just cried, as it was so

painfully clear that he could not hear me." October 3, 2015

 

she encourage people to write about what they have done well.

 

5. Bouncing forward

Psychologists had focuced mostly on two possible

outcomes of trauma.

some people struggled.

others were resilient.

after losing a spouse, it's common for people to argue more

with friends and feel insulted by them.

 

Post-traumatic growth could take five different forms.

finding personal strength, gaining appreciation,

forming deeper relationships,

discovering more meaning in life(family, religion)

and seeing new possibilities.

the little things don't stress me out. I am much stronger ,

much more centered and 

reasonable now.

it is the irony of all ironies to exerience tragedy and

come out of it feeling more grateful.

it is not surprising that so many trauma survivors

end up helping others overcome

the adversity.

 

dave changed her in profound ways by his presence.

and he changed her in profound ways by his absence.

 

6. Taking back joy

dancing to an upbeat song from childhood had taken her to a place

where she wasn't filled with lonliness and longing.

she said. How could i be happy when dave was gone?

yet a meaningful life without joy is a depressing one.

she decided to try having fun for her children.

 

happiness is the frequency of positive experiences,

not the intensity.

we should go and do small things that make us happy.

adam suggested to write down three moments of joy everyday.

(how good a warm breeze feels or how delicious french fries taste,

when you're in a deep conversation with a friend,

when you are engrossed in reading a harry potter book)

cooking. Dancing. Hiking. Praying. Driving.

Singing billy joel songs off-key.

all of these can provide relief from pain.

 

7. Raising resilient kids

how do you tell a seven, and ten -year-old

that their father had  died?

we owe all children safety, support, opportunity,

and help finding a way forward.

when kids misbehave, instead of being blamed,

shamed or severely punished,

they are made to feel safe so that they can learn. 

Building resilience depends on the opportunities children have

and the relationships they form with parents,

caregivers, teachers, and friends.

 

we can start by helping their core beliefs.

they have control over their lives.

they can learn from failure.

they matter as human beings. (Other people notice you,

care about you.)

they have real strengths to rely on and share.

 

people often marvel at how resilient kids can be.

 

parenting advice.

say things once. Stay calm. 

 

8. Finding strengh together

in 1972, a plane flying from uruguay to chile crashed

into a mountain in the andes.

only sixteen of them survived.

most of the forty-five people on board were rugby players.

they said. "Despite out setbacks, we had to become alchemists"

after ten days, they spotted a man on horseback.

16 survivors were rescued by helicopter.

 

when we build resilience together,

we become stronger ourselves.

 

In 2015 shooting by a white supremacist gunned down

people at emanuel african methodist church.

they realized they had to tackle race.

in 2010 alone, there were about four hundred

natural disasters worldwide

that claimed about 300,000lives and affected millions.

 

one of the things that was destroyed when we crashed

into the mountain was

our connection to society.

but our ties to one another grew stronger every day.

(it is like now in coronavirus situation)

 

9. Failing and learning at work

she was invited from elon musk, the space x ceo.

his first child died suddenly at two and a half months old. 

We bonded by grief.

just as all people need resilience, all organizations do too.

 

one of the best ways to see ourselves clearly is to ask others.

criticism was the only way to get better.

the ability to listen to feedback is a sign of resilience.

 

10. To love and laugh again

would i be alone for the rest of my life?

how soon is too soon to date?

after her brother spoke up she started thinking about dating.

 

humor can make us more resilient.

couple who laugh together are more likely to stay married.

humor is a signal that a situation is safe.

a key was buried in the couple's conversations.

they showed more humor and affection.

for a relationship to last, partners have to be able to deal with conflict.